Who Can You Trust?

If only we knew! We can't even fully trust ourselves sometimes. Our sub-conscious mind - which is running our life over 90% of the time - can make us behave in ways that may shock and embarrass us.

We cannot tell by appearances who is to be trusted and how far; or what the exceptions to that trust might be. It can take many years to build up trust in a friendship or other relationship. Many of us have been betrayed by people we deeply believed we could trust never to let us down.

To be let-down, and deeply hurt and disappointed, can reinforce our lack of trust, and we might then extend it to mistrusting everyone. This is a defense against being hurt again, but unfortunately it cannot be guaranteed to work.

Most of us crave a deeper contact, and emotional and physical intimacy with someone 'special' to us - someone we can 'trust'. Although there are those who have given up on getting those needs met, and have instead settled for an 'entanglement' rather than a relationship. The may feel safer, and get only their basic human needs met, but they will not be truly happy.

Mistrust can be seen as means of self-protection to ensure our survival, but being generally mistrusting brings with it a likelihood of too much self-sufficiency and over-independence.

It is probably obvious that our childhood has had a big impact upon our base-line level of trust. This will have been set up before the age of 2 years - too early for us to have a verbal memory of this time.

If we experienced cold and rigid, or smothering and intrusive parenting; abandonment and/or rejection; abuse; trauma; neglect; or the chaotic behaviors of care-giver(s) due to substance abuse or mental ill-health; then our deeper personal boundaries will have been violated and we will have been powerless to change that. We would have wanted and needed to rely upon stability, predictability, and loving care, but our parents may not have been able to provide these, even if they wanted to.

The quality and availability - both physical and emotional - of our care-giver will have affected the way our brain was developing and how safe, secure and trusting we felt; as well as our ability to seek help and comfort from other people, and to attach and form healthy relationships.

We had no say in the way things were back then but as adults we do now have the power to change our 'life-script' and become more trusting of some people - but we must be discerning! It can be potentially life-threatening to put our trust in the wrong people, or in the outcome of events.

Fundamentally we want to be able to trust that those in whom we invest our time and emotions will have integrity. That they will be honest and reliable. That they will not go back on their word. That they will show us consideration and understanding, and hopefully empathy and compassion.

We should also perhaps consider whether we offer these things in return, or do we expect it to be a one-way street?

When it comes to sex and money/business then our ability to be trustworthy can be weakened; and yet it is when these issues are around that we need the most trust in ourselves and other people.

Therapeutic work may attempt to encourage us to develop a more trusting attitude and to take the risk that others won't betray, use or manipulate us - but this may be somewhat naïve. We cannot 'see' the motives or intentions of others, and yet by having a suspicious attitude that keeps people at bay we may miss out on honest genuine caring contact. We have to find the ability to discern what someone wants with us. In any interaction or relationship we all want to know 'what's in it for me?', and to be able to cope with any disappointments that another's behaviour may bring.

We are entitled to honesty and respect from others and instead of holding back, for fear of appearing intrusive and interrogatory; we need to ask clear and specific questions, in a calm and assertive way, without shying away from any deeper emotional response and disclosure that may follow.

We must take responsibility for finding out as much as we can about the inner world of the other person; or as far as their personal boundaries around self-disclosure will allow.

Finding out about someone's background, their values and ambitions; what they respect in a person, what they find unacceptable, what makes their heart sing, how angry have they been and when (they may not of course tell you the full story); can all help us to 'know' more about the other and whether we even want to place our trust in them or not.

Body language will give lots away too. Our instincts can be a valuable guide. However, beware of the seasoned salesman and con-man who will have deliberately adjusted their body language so as to trick others for their own ends. There will always be 'leaks' of the truth shown in their body language but it takes a trained eye to spot these.

Ongoing media 'news' shows us that we cannot trust in an elected Government 'system' to provide basic human needs to the sick and vulnerable. We cannot trust in the efficacy of the Health Service, or that our children will be well educated. We cannot trust the 'money-managers' in our society not to be selfish and greedy. We cannot trust what we read in the newspapers. We cannot fully trust in our Police Force and legal system. We cannot even trust that our telephone conversations, or e-mails are private!

We cannot function without a basic level of trust in the goodness and kindness of at least part of our community. We have to trust ourselves to cope with not having the degree of trust we would prefer to have. We have to trust that we will be able to cope with betrayal and disappointment, with being misled/deceived/exploited, loss of our hopes and dreams, loss of relationship and money/business. We must keep a balanced perspective, because without at least a basic level of trust and optimism the world would be a very threatening place for any of us.

By Maxine Harley Msc Integrative Psychotherapy - Psychotherapy in Sussex and creator of 'The Ripple Effect' Process and Quantum Psyche Process see http://www.qpp.uk.com/

View the original article here

Time Management for Interruption-Based Professions

Let's face it - we're all busy, and that can make it difficult for us to manage our time, no matter how diligent we are about organizing, scheduling, and re-scheduling our tasks. Having a routine schedule can make it easier to streamline and group our tasks and activities, but not every profession or job lends itself to this sort of regularity.

When I work with professionals in fields like real estate, public relations, and sales, much of their work is predicated on the fact that they are going to be interrupted many times throughout their workday. These interruptions are usually well-warranted, as the things that generate revenue for these professionals often revolve around quick decisions and it's-happening-right-now updates from clients, partners, or vendors. If your work falls into one of these interruption-based professions or one that has a similar level of required responsiveness, there's often no choice other than to work with these interruptions. But how can you be responsive to the needs of others while still having some semblance of a manageable schedule?

Block your day. Although you'll probably have lots of interruptions throughout your day, you can still start with a basic framework for how you'd like your day to go. The key is to have your schedule be more loose and flexible than someone who has a more predictable structure for their day. I suggest creating small blocks of time for your various daily tasks - phone calls, emails, sales, client service, etc. - so you can have a skeleton of what you'd like to see happen from hour to hour. The major difference between your schedule and the schedule of someone who deals with fewer interruptions is this: if you are expecting lots of interruptions, have small time blocks instead of big ones, and leave lots of blank, unscheduled space in between them. That way, you'll be able to shift your blocks around and adjust your tasks and projects as you deal with daily fires and interruptions. When things are scheduled back-to-back-to-back, making schedule adjustments is much more difficult.

List your tasks. With an unpredictable schedule, it can be hard to know what task to do next when you happen to have a few moments of time in between interruptions. With sudden downtime, many of us simply default to working on email, which can become a major black hole for your time. For this reason, it's essential to have a running list of the tasks are key to you and to your business. Take a few minutes and write down all the tasks and projects that are important for your business to move forward.

Identify key priorities and duration. Once you've made your list of tasks, take a few minutes and note how long you expect each task to take, and the order in which you'd like to tackle your tasks. Maybe you'd like to spend an hour on a client proposal, or half an hour writing your next blog post or newsletter article. Note those details on your list. Without a clear priority and duration for each task, it's very hard to choose which task to work on next.

Fill the open spaces. You've now created a schedule with lots of open spaces between your time blocks, giving you flexibility to deal with interruptions. As you shift your scheduled blocks around, you'll see your open spaces between tasks shift as well. Use your task list to take advantage of these open spaces by plugging in your priority tasks into the free times in your calendar. Since you've listed the duration of each of your tasks, you can now clearly see whether your tasks will fit into your open time slots.

Having an interruption-based profession can be both exciting and challenging. The key to managing your time effectively when you have days that are always in flux is being flexible and adaptable, and making sure your time management strategy accounts for the way you work. You can't expect your day to flow the same way as someone else who has a more predictable schedule - but you can still get things done!

Joshua Zerkel, CPO® is a the founder of Custom Living Solutions, a San Francisco-based productivity and organizing consulting firm, specializing in helping busy people save time, space and money by getting organized at home and at work. For more FREE organizing ideas, visit http://www.customlivingsolutions.com/ or call 415-830-6345.

View the original article here

Are Your Moods Getting Other People Down?

We may be so consumed by our own worries, fears and frustrations that we don't realise how our moods and behaviours impact upon other people - and how this in turn can damage our relationships, as well as our home or work environment.

As a boss/manager/leader you may have the illusion of competence and of being admired and respected by your peers and colleagues for your 'no-nonsense' approach or 'not suffering fools gladly' or 'taking no prisoners'; but that may not be what is said about you behind your back!

We are all impacted and affected by the moods of those around us - whether that be the moods of just one person with whom we have regular contact; or the emotional cloud of a group, crowd or mob.

The term for this is Emotional Contagion - and it can be seen on a large scale in the jubilation of the winning crowd; in national mourning for a beloved public figure; and the mob violence, looting and destruction seen across the country and the world.

We are all connected 'energetically' and we all affect one another.

As adults we must take responsibility for our moods and find an effective way to balance them and to live a calmer happier life.

We may be plagued with feelings of guilt and/or shame; fear of failure, humiliation and rejection; resentment and hostility; self-loathing; jealousy/envy; anger/rage; and more.

Any of these is a heavy weight to carry - but we cannot expect others to carry it for us and change their behaviour to accommodate our psychological and emotional imbalances!

The patience of any happy, loving, considerate and thoughtful person will be severely tested by being 'infected' by the chronic anxiety, despondency, apathy, shame, guilt, envy, neuroses, victim-hood, anger, aggression, dominance, or bullying from another person.....particularly in close relationships or with work colleagues.

We can use the analogy here of wavelength frequencies - those on a similar wavelength to us enrich our lives and vitalise us; those on consistently lower frequencies drain our energy and resources, and impair our experience of life.

We may have to make a 'tough-love' decision not to be around those people if they are unwilling to learn how to change their moods and behaviours.

Unhealthy and dysfunctional behaviours tend to be driven by deeper unexpressed needs, and these will benefit from being acknowledged, known and met.

We all have a tendency to 'stress-bond' too. That means we find people with similar grievances/hurts/fears as our own, and then have 'circular conversations' to mutually offload and maybe even seek advice from another about our relationships/business concerns etc. This advice, however well-meaning, can only be a reflection of the other person's own personal history and belief system and will probably not 'fit' for us in our personal experience of our life.

Indeed it may make things worse!

A better source of help can come from a trained and experienced professional who doesn't know us personally or have a vested interest in our personal life.

So, unless you want your colleagues, partner, children, and others tip-toeing around so as to 'not rock your boat' you have to find the courage to do something about your infectious emotionality before it reaches the level of contagion!

Written By Maxine Harley Msc Integrative Psychotherapy - Psychotherapy in Sussex and creator of 'The Ripple Effect' Process and Quantum Psyche Process see http://www.qpp.uk.com/

View the original article here

How to Achieve a Healthy Mind, Body and Soul

Your physical body shouldn't be the only thing you'd want to keep healthy. If you want to be a truly fit person, then you should address all three aspects of your being-your mind, body and soul. This may sound like a complicated task, but in truth, holistic health is anything but complicated. Moreover, there are many ways for you to achieve it. Below are five of these techniques. Incorporate them into your daily life, and you'll definitely see positive results in due time.

1. Eat healthy.
There are many great foods out there that can address your mind, body and soul all at the same time. Fruits and vegetables, for one, have been mainstays for holistic health practitioners since time immemorial. Other foods you can try are nuts and grains, as well as fish. Avoid taking fatty meats, or foods injected with too much sugar or salt. The cleaner your food tastes, the cleaner every aspect of yourself will be.

2. Exercise.
It may seem like a merely physical process, but in truth, exercise can benefit your mind, body and soul in ways you can't even imagine. Try going for a jog around your neighborhood, or taking up a dance or yoga class. Not only will your body feel great, but you will also end up feeling happy and content. All holistic health methods require some form of exercise, so sign up for a gym membership or running group as soon as you can.

3. Hang out with your loved ones.
It will do your mind, body and soul a whole lot of good when you surround yourself with a great bunch of people. Humans are intrinsically social beings, so when it comes to holistic health, being with fellow humans is an absolute must. Doing so will stimulate you mentally, emotionally, and yes, even physically, especially if you like playing sports or taking trips with them as a group.

4. Get a pet.
While human companionship is all well and good, it will also benefit your mind, body and soul to get a nice pet. A dog, for instance, is a pet you can run around with to get some physical exercise, and is also a creature with whom you can learn responsibility and empathy-which are two things vital for mental and emotional health. Better yet, you should go and adopt a pet instead of buying one. The good deed will definitely serve as plus points for your holistic health.

5. Meditate.
Meditation is a classic way to address the needs of your mind, body and soul at the same time. There is no such thing as a holistic health program that does not include meditation. And the thing is, you don't have to train under a yogi to be good at it. All you need is some quiet time in a secluded spot in your house. Just sit there and concentrate on absolutely nothing for as long as you can. You'll feel thousands of times better after your session.

Addressing every single aspect of your well being is a must. You can't scrimp on one aspect or prioritize one over the other. You have to cover all bases if you want to live a truly holistically healthy lifestyle. Fortunately, as you have read, there are quite a few ways to guarantee just that. Choose one or more of the above suggestions and watch your life change for the better.

Prue Lowen is a staunch advocate of achieving balance of the mind, body and soul. Follow her example and breathe new life into yourself.

View the original article here

What Is Self Harm Behaviour?

Self harm, self injury, deliberate self injury or self mutilation is generally believed to be just the act of burning and cutting oneself. It has been becoming a greatly misunderstood addiction to which majority often believe the doer is simply attempting suicide because of the serious cuts inflicted on oneself. But there is more to self injury information that you need to know.

Self Harm Awareness

Self harming in teenagers include burning themselves with cigarettes or other hot tools, cutting with blades and knives, and other general acts of inflicting harm to the body such as hitting yourself against the wall repeatedly.

When someone exhibits self harm behaviour, they could be absorbed in an obsessive-compulsive behavior resulting in the infliction of physical damage in a mission to evade emotional feelings which they are unable to confront and cope with. It is simply not just a case of seeking attention but more than that.

Teenagers who self harm can end up needing severe medical treatment and hospitalization.

These results can leave not only physical body scars but also emotional ones. That said sometimes teenagers who self harm can be proud of these scars but at the same time be ashamed of them and consequently hiding them from others. As self harm is generally a private act, this can be difficult for teachers to support pupils and students and to manage mental health in schools.

Who Self Harms?

As opposed to what many believe, teenagers are not the only people who self. A lot of people of all ages and professions self harm. It does not differentiate between age, creed, gender, and race although research shows that younger women experience self harm behaviour the most. This can also be accompanied by some other addictive tendencies like drug addiction and eating disorders; and is not only limited to teenagers alone.

The act of injuring oneself is not the main issue, as it is just a symptom but the underlying emotional reasons and pain for the person self harming in the first place. If someone uses self harm to manage their emotions, chances are they are highly secretive of this fact due to the fear of being confronted and even stopped.

For a lot of people who self harm, especially teenagers, they report that this is similar to drug and alcohol addiction which they deem as "ritualistic". That is, someone who uses blades, for instance to cut themselves, will generally follow a strict routine including having a safe place and date to conduct their so-called "ritual" in peace and without disturbance. All the items used, the method, as well as the routine will generally have a similar pattern. Normal locations where they inflict pain are on the arms, legs, stomach, thighs, and even their faces.

Jennifer McLeod invites you to find out more about self harm, self harm awareness for teachers or self harming at school with self harming pupils by visiting our website. Alternatively you can download your FREE Report '10 Surefire Ways of Self Harm Help For Teachers' here self harm awareness

View the original article here

Can You Confidently Handle Difficult People?

These people are everywhere! Sometimes we can simply avoid them but this isn't possible in the family or workplace.

If you follow the recently published 'advice' of a celebrity hypnotist (Daily Mail Jan 2012) who offers to 'make you confident'; you will just imagine a 'confident you' ahead of you and then 'walk' into this person - several times; and then tap various points on your body too.

However these Neuro-Linguistic Programming and Emotional Freedom Techniques will still not give you the skills needed in the real world to enable you to cope with the intense anxiety that a lack of confidence brings when you are faced with a real challenge from a difficult person or situation.

If you fear that you will crumble, or disintegrate, if you are ever challenged; then you need to have already found, and become well acquainted with, what verbal and body language the Adult-you can use to change the dynamic in your favor.

In brief there are 3 stages to consider:

- The event/or anticipated event
- The inner dialogue and belief system
- and the way you then behave.

We cannot change an event but we can change our perception of it as well as our perception of ourselves. Furthermore we can learn ways of speaking and expressing ourselves that is both confidant and assertive.

Unassertive behavior is either passive or aggressive.

Assertive behavior comes from a place of 'I have a right to say what I experience and what I want/prefer/need' in any situation. This is the expression of the competent/confident/assertive/rational Adult-you.

We all carry around our own unique history and 'story' about ourselves and our life, and many people continue to re-enact aspects of their life over and over in the hope of changing the ending of their drama. But without a new 'script' they are doomed to keep repeating the same unhealthy scenes.

You may find yourself on the receiving end of someone else's 'drama' - but you don't have to accept this.

Perhaps your own genes and life experiences have meant that you have a tendency to shyness, over cautiousness, people-pleasing, lack of self-esteem/worth. Or maybe you have become the 'difficult' person to be around?

Some people express their self-doubts and sense of inferiority by adopting a 'miserable victim' persona; or they may over-compensate by becoming an 'aggressive bully'. Either can negatively effect everyone around them... this way of 'infecting' others is called Emotional Contagion.

We were probably not taught at school how to be confident and assertive - quite the opposite in most cases I'm sure! For many of us these skills would not have been welcomed back at home, and so we have had to wait much later to even know that there was a different way to deal with difficult people and situations.

We may have had parents who were not calm and emotionally-balanced, and they couldn't then model self-respect and good self-esteem to us. Perhaps as children we were not invited to talk about ourselves and our opinions or perceptions. We may not have felt of value or worth in the most important place - our home.

We may have been bullied at home, at school and at work; and we can now unknowingly 'invite' people to still treat us badly because that is what we 'know', and expect.

We may still operate like the wounded-child we once were, and have only the limited verbal expression of this child. When we are anxious we cannot think clearly and we cannot express ourselves clearly. Instead we are predominantly focussed in our Emotional or Limbic brain - ready to fight/flee/freeze or flop.

The good news is that we can learn to develop a new 'inner dialogue' that supports and affirms us and our right to be treated well by others - and the right to walk away from people who aren't able to treat us well! We can also learn what our healthy 'boundaries' are and how to set and maintain them in the face of opposition and conflict.

Learning and understanding about ourselves is the first step to change. We also need to learn about how and why we experience difficulties with others; and which part of this is our responsibility and which part isn't. We can develop skills that will enable us to express ourselves clearly and effectively... and to handle those 'difficult people' we will inevitably encounter. There are several levels of communication - ranging from shallow chit-chat to the most personal self-disclosures; and there are different ways of communicating effectively too.

This can be like learning a whole new language and a new way of communicating with people from all walks of life - which really is liberating and empowering, both personally and professionally.

By Maxine Harley Msc Integrative Psychotherapy - Psychotherapist in Sussex and creator of 'The Ripple Effect' Process and Quantum Psyche Process see http://www.qpp.uk.com/

View the original article here

Vicarious Trauma

Have you ever witnessed a traumatic event happening to someone else; or been affected by hearing about it in detail?

We can be impacted by trauma, even though we are not the victim of the trauma; if we are either a witness, or if we sympathise, empathise and offer support and compassion to the victim.

If we witness a traumatic event, the 'mirror neurons' in our brains are activated and we feel, to a certain extent, as if the event had happened to us!

Vicarious trauma is particularly seen in counsellors who repeatedly work with victims of assault, rape, abuse and torture. It is also an occupational hazard for the emergency services - fire-fighters, ambulance and paramedics, hospital staff, police officers, - and for the armed forces too.

Workers in these professions have to learn to 'emotionally numb' themselves to what they experience - in order for them to be able to carry out their work. They have to 'emotionally detach' and become more cognitive and focussed in dealing with the situation. It can then be hard for such professionals to 'switch back on' emotionally with their family and friends when back in a safe environment. Some have said that it takes a few days for them to process their 'vicarious trauma' enough to be emotionally available to relate with loved ones fully; by which time they are usually 'back in the firing line' at work. Some also say that they find an escape in alcohol and other 'mood-altering' substances and behaviours, as a way of avoiding their real and overwhelming emotions.

There have been too many cases reported of ex-servicemen suffering with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder who are not given the help and treatment they need to rebalance their brain after the horrors of war.

Seeing horrific events can over-stimulate the emotional part of our brain and affect our daily lives considerably; as can hearing about such events from the victim, who may be your partner or a family member. Many such traumatised people find it very difficult to fit back into society and they can become homeless and have drink and alcohol problems as they try to 'self- medicate' and find a way to avoid the effects of the over-stimulation of their brains. Workers in the voluntary sectors are often not properly trained or qualified to effectively work with these people who 'slip through the net' of society, and can themselves suffer from vicarious trauma as they try their best to help.

Traumatised people primarily need to acknowledge that they did survive (although survivor guilt can be an added difficulty for them). They then need to restore a sense of 'safety' in their lives - which is very hard to do if they are homeless, or a refugee. When they feel safe enough, they can then slowly develop a sense of security and comfort. From that platform they can build a feeling of freedom from the grip of their earlier trauma; and freedom to make choices that will shape their future.

Our news reports always have a new tragedy to inform us about. Graphic images of a murdered dictator have been splattered over the front pages of national newspapers. Television news stories of traumatic, tragic and brutal events are often repeated every half hour or more - such as the September 11th 2001 images, and the many subsequent bombings.

How are we psychologically affected by exposure to this 'bad news'?

The effects are not as great as if we had experienced the trauma personally, but the cumulative effects of second-hand exposure, or seeing several horrific sights in our day to day lives, also has a huge impact upon our ability to 'process' such material, and to regain our own emotional equilibrium.

Emergency service workers and counsellors- particularly those working in specialist refugee centres, or with victims of violent assault - should all have access their own counselling to enable them to 'offload' the psychological weight of their work and ensure they don't 'burn-out'.

However, just talking about an event might not be effective enough, as it is our body that is impacted by trauma in the first instance, and then we think about what happened, and then we find the words for the story we will tell about it.

With vicarious trauma we will not have had our body impacted by the event with anything like the same intensity as the actual victim, but we will have thoughts, images, emotions and body sensations linked to what we hear or see.

It can be very difficult to be in a relationship with someone who has been directly traumatised - whether that be unresolved childhood trauma or a more recent accident or assault. The person will 'change', in both their perceptions and behaviours. You may feel that you don't 'know' them any longer. You may feel that being around them and their pain is too overwhelming and only a sense of love or duty holds you there. You may want to be their support, but may not be able to cope with that burden alone. Loss of a child in whatever circumstances has all too often resulted in a relationship breakdown, as grief blocks us from processing trauma and the strain takes it's toll upon the relationship bond.

Having an awareness of this can be a help as we realise just how big a challenge we face. We can then search for, and hopefully find, the strength and courage to be present in the face of trauma, despite our fear that it will engulf us.

By Maxine Harley Msc Integrative Psychotherapy and creator of 'The Ripple Effect' Process and Quantum Psyche Process see http://www.qpp.uk.com/

View the original article here

What Are Your 'Boundaries' And 'Responsibilities'?

These two words can represent a vague and often troublesome area of our lives.

Where are your boundaries and what are you responsible for?

Your personal boundaries are obviously not fixed and solid like a fence or a wall. Instead they are an expression of your personal comfort and preference. You may have different boundaries with different people in different situations and may not even be aware of them until they are challenged and threatened.

Healthy boundaries affirm us as individuals and say to others 'this point is OK with me - and beyond that point isn't OK with me'.

As individuals we can have boundaries around such aspects of our life as: - my time, and what I'm willing to share of this with another / personal disclosure/how far I will put myself out for this particular person at this time / my sexual boundaries / my workplace job description boundaries and my financial boundaries.

It can be difficult to even know how to set a boundary with someone, let alone how to maintain it and ensure it isn't crossed. This goes hand in hand with being an assertive adult, and knowing that you have the right to express what you want need and prefer, as well as what you are experiencing; and most importantly what sense you make of that experience and what you imagine it means.

We don't have to be too rigid about our boundaries, and it can be worthwhile checking-out with ourself if we still want an existing boundary to remain in the same place with a certain person or situation. We can change these 'settings' as time and experiences unfold.

We will have learned about boundaries, or lack of them, in our childhood. Having had parents/caregivers whose boundaries were too loose and vague, or too rigid and unyielding will have left it's impact upon us and the sub-conscious decisions we will have made about protecting ourself from the manipulation, domination, and intrusion of other people.

These decisions might no longer fit into your modern-day adult world.

It can be easier to soften boundaries that are too rigid, as we learn to trust ourself to be able to deal with any threats to our boundaries; than it is to find the 'raw materials' with which to attempt to build new boundaries when we don't have the know-how or experience of the form they should take.

You are responsible for your own boundaries - where they are and how firm they are. You are not responsible for the boundaries of others or for trying to change them - that's down to them and their own personal history and level of awareness.

Similarly, you are not responsible for anyone else's feelings. You are responsible for the way in which you communicate and deal with other people but not their feelings. Those are down to their own belief system and personal history. As long as you are fair, clear, honest and consistent, then that is your half of any responsibility in a relationship. The only exception to that relates to children - we do have a responsibility for them as well as towards them; but other adults must take responsibility for themselves and their life experiences.

We have all experienced 'difficult' people who push our boundaries, and encourage us to push theirs too - as they 'play out their drama' with us. These people can be the Interrogator, the Guilt-Tripper, the Drama Queen/King, the Egotist, the Manipulator, the Control Freak, the Martyr/sufferer, the Bully, the Narcissist, and the Crazy Chaotic.
They present us with a lot of boundary threats! How do we deal with these people?

We must be crystal clear with them about what we see, hear and imagine they mean. We must not bluff or patronise; and we must follow through on promises or ultimatums. It's for their own good and is actually modelling the good, fair and respectful boundaries they they may not have had when they were children. They will not give up their behaviours just like that, and will no doubt persist in trying to weaken your boundaries - which would be detrimental to both parties.

Those people who don't take responsibility for themselves create a drama that they attempt to pull other people into. They have their own way of perceiving events and ways of reacting which will often be neurotic and irrational. Hard as it might be, it can be helpful to encourage these people to 'feel' and share their feelings - as long as it isn't part of a Victim/Rescuer dynamic that they are trying to play out with you!

If we can empathise with the 'wounded child' in another person - and we all have one - we can connect more from the heart yet still keep our heads, and our much needed boundaries.

By Maxine Harley Msc Integrative Psychotherapy creator of 'The Ripple Effect' Process and Quantum Psyche Process see http://www.qpp.uk.com/

View the original article here

Appearances Can Be Deceptive!

We would all like to think that we could take other people 'at face value'; that what we see is what we get. To a certain extent this is true; but there's more to consider.

Our human survival has depended upon our ability to assess, and deal with, any potential threats to our well-being.

We 'attribute' characteristics and motives onto other people, based upon the partial information we have about them - the most obvious being their appearance and demeanor...how they look and act.

We can 'project' qualities onto others that we ourselves have, in an attempt to form a sort of kinship and alliance. Or would might instead project onto another the very qualities we wish we had ourselves, and then admire these in the other person.

Both are based upon our own inner psychological concepts and are not the 'truth' - we can never know the whole truth about anyone - or anything for that matter.

We can also 'pigeon-hole' others as a way of giving ourselves the illusion that we now know just what sort of person they are.

All of this can happen extremely quickly in a first meeting and be based upon our limited perception of them, or upon scant information about them.

We 'fill in the gaps' ourselves as an attempt to give ourselves a 'clearer picture' of the sort of person we are dealing with.

The other person may just happen to have a certain mannerism, or physical similarity, to someone else we know or used to know. We then treat them 'as-if' they were just like this other person from our history. We 'transfer' or overlay attributes onto them that don't really exist. This then clouds the way in which we attempt to relate to them; or we may not even bother trying to get to know them - as we have convinced ourselves that we 'know just what they're like'.

Our projection and transference of imaginary aspects onto another person is a two-way street.

People may well be doing just that to you too!

If you feel as though someone is relating negatively to you, or refusing to engage with you, then you could ask them if you remind them of someone else they know; and tell them that you are forming the impression that they may be mistaking you for another person and treating you 'as-if' you were that person without taking the time to experience who you really are.

However, who any of us 'really is' is not a fixed state. We all change our opinions, values and sometimes our beliefs and ways of behaving; particularly as a result of ongoing education and experiences. We can never truly know another person in the way that would help us to feel safer and more trusting of them. We have to settle for only knowing them clearly 'enough' to be able to decide what level of relationship, if any, we do want to have with them.

A further level in this process is called Counter-transference; wherein we react to others based upon what they are projecting onto us. This can be in the form of sub-consciously acting out the part in their life-drama that they have 'assigned' to us; or at least in being aware of their invitation that we become a member of the cast in the replay of their history. Counter-transference can also exist in our responding to them from our own history and experiences; when we then overlay the interaction with them with something from our own past, and then behave 'as-if' it were true and valid in the present.

Counter-transference can be used 'diagnostically' by a psychotherapist; when they become aware of what is being evoked in them by the client they are working with. Then they must examine if their invited reaction is from their own past history or that of the client. When sensitively brought into the therapy session, this can be useful in getting to the bottom of a client's underlying issue that needs to be worked with, and not necessarily the issues that are presented on the surface by the client.

When we were children we learned about how we felt in response to the individuals around us. Some people we felt light and comfortable with, others we may have feared as we felt our body tighten and recoil from them. We will have developed 'masks' to wear in order to present an acceptable 'false self' to those around us too.

All such deeper responses and ways of relating can show themselves in the psychotherapy sessions too; and a skilled therapist will pick up their own feelings from the interaction with the client. The therapist may then, for instance, feel like a cold, critical, demeaning mother; or perhaps a dominant bully; or maybe feel bored, tired, and disinterested in the client. These are all indicators of either the client's history, or the therapists history. The therapist should therefore have undergone their own long-term therapy to have dealt with their own history and projections/transferences, and to not act them out with their clients - who deserve this level of professionalism and clarity from their sessions.

Knowing that deeper levels of perception exist - often sub-consciously - can at least allow us not to take anyone 'at face value' after all.

By Maxine Harley (Msc Integrative Psychotherapy) Psychotherapist based in Sussex and creator of 'The Ripple Effect' Process and Quantum Psyche Process see http://www.qpp.uk.com/

View the original article here

Is Therapy Right For You?

You won't know until you try it - but working with the 'wrong' therapist for probably deter you from ever finding a better one!

There is no point in even beginning counselling or psychotherapy if you cannot 'make use if it'.

A competent therapist will be able to assess, very soon, whether you are 'psychologically available' or not; and if not they are ethically obliged not to exploit you if the work is unlikely to be of benefit to you. It would just be a waste of your time and money.

This assessment will look at your 'ego-strength' - which is your level of psychological resilience, or how stable you are and how much of the work you are likely to 'take-in' and use. People with profound personality disorders or chronic mental illness cannot generally derive much from counselling or psychotherapy - but some milder disorders may be helped.

Your family, partner, social services or solicitor may recommend that you 'go for counselling'; but even though they may mean well, they are not in a position to know if it is what you really need.

It is the relationship you form with the counsellor/psychotherapist which has been shown to be the most effective indicator of whether the work will be of benefit to you. But if you have a history of making bad relationship decisions, of having weak boundaries, of being manipulated, of being a people-pleaser, or just profoundly lonely and needing regular contact with a caring person; then you will not be in a place to accurately assess what is best for you, and who is the best therapist for you to work with.

Professional qualifications can be an indicator of a therapist's skills, but this is not necessarily the case. Do you know what the letters after their name actually stand for? It may be a 3-6 year academic course of study, or only a brief introduction to counselling skills that they possess. Similarly, the fees charged are not an indicator of quality. An excellent therapist may be in a financial position to charge less than the 'going rate'; or an average counsellor may try to inflate their 'worth' with a high fee. Who you choose to work with and why says something significant about you too. We all 'project' onto other people aspects that aren't really there.

If you don't want face to face contact with a therapist you can approach the Samaritans for free help, or other telephone or Skype counselling agencies, or individuals. Again this choice says something about you and how much you value yourself and your willingness to relate with someone on a deeper level, and the value you place upon getting well. I have known clients who spend large sums of money on gadgets/trinkets/smoking/drinking/holidays etc. etc. and yet can't 'justify' to themselves spending money to change their life from the inside. Some people would rather 'cover up' the outside with designer labels and a tan, than look beneath and into their wounded soul.

If you want a counsellor/therapist to just 'sit and listen' to you then they are to be found too. If you want someone to challenge your thinking and behaviours, and help you to change you will need to find out if this is what you will get.

Charity run 'befriender' agencies, and voluntary centres, may be free or very cheap but it could still be a waste of your time and money... with no change!

A psychotherapist has had a broader and wider training than a counsellor; and yet, still, psychotherapy trainings vary in their scope and relevance to the needs of the general public.

Some trainings are of a 'cognitive' nature; others are 'humanistic' others are 'trans-personal/spiritual' and more recent research has shown the efficacy of 'Integrative' psychotherapy which combines those aspects which have been shown, by research, to work.

To use an analogy of a car and garage; you wouldn't want to have to take your car to be fixed in a garage that had only one tool to use! Working 'integratively' with your psychotherapist will at the very least ensure that he/she has a few more tools at their disposal... just how many depends upon their commitment to ongoing learning and training.

There are also specialists who work predominantly or exclusively with such presenting issues as Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Refugee trauma, relationships, children, and the Arts - such as play drama and creative art work.

The following 4 levels of psychological difficulty and associated treatments may help you to understand which best suits your present circumstances:-

Level 1

Temporary difficulties linked to external event/situation, and a change/decision is sought; time to explore own preferred outcome. E.g. workplace problems; grief; life transitions.

Treatment - short-term Counselling.

Level 2

Interpersonal (me-with-others) and Intrapsychic (me-with-me) relationships; mood disorders and self-esteem problems that may be masked by dysfunctional behaviours; Traumatic event(s); Childhood issues that interfere with our present-day life; attachment and intimacy problems; difficulties with limits and boundaries; pathological grief.

Treatment options - Psychotherapy, Quantum Psyche Process and 'The Ripple Effect' Process

Level 3

Chronic and/or acute disturbance of personality and sense of reality; severe childhood trauma(s)/abuse/neglect; Personality Disorders including Multiple Personality Disorder (called D.I.D.); untreated P.T.S.D.; addictions to drugs/medications/alcohol; lack of Ego-strength or integrity.

Treatment - Long-term psychotherapy - preferably more than once a week.

Level 4

Brain-damage or organic retardation; profound mental illness; sociopathic/psychopathic behaviour; severely disordered personality; sexual and/or violent criminality.

Treatment - Psychiatric services

I hope this article clarifies for you whether therapy would be right for you and if so I wish you well in your therapeutic relationship and hope that you make the changes you desire.

By Maxine Harley Msc Integrative Psychotherapy - Psychotherapy in Sussex UK and creator of 'The Ripple Effect' Process and Quantum Psyche Process see http://www.qpp.uk.com/

View the original article here

Expand Your Neuro Net, Expand Your Consciousness

So what is our neuro net (NN)? How is it connected to consciousness? How does it work and how can I use it to develop my mental skills and improve my life?

In simple terms, your NN is pretty much that, it's a neurological 'net' which we are using in every single moment to 'capture' only a very very small chunk of the millions of bits of information that is coming to us from our senses at any one moment.

The NN that you currently have is an extremely complicated set of circuitry that is the result of many influences in your environment, mostly from your past during the most impressionable years of your childhood. It has been shown that much of our 'brain wiring' is complete by the age of 7. However, science has long since established a term called 'Neuro Plasticity'. This basically means that the neurological wiring of the brain is not fixed but changeable and malleable, able to make new connections and discard old ones. We are very capable as human beings to reinforce neural path ways and connections in the brain, disconnect current path ways or create completely new ones leading to new skills, experiences and growth.

The nature of every single human beings NN basically determines our experience of reality. The characteristics of our neuro net plays a major role in not only channelling our focus in the environment around us, but it also determines what meaning we attach to the information that is coming in from our 5 senses. After all, as we all know, the information coming into our brains from sight, sound, touch, taste and hearing, are all simply electrical impulses making their way to our brain. How we use those electrical impulses to interact with our world is purely a function of our NN.

An abundance of psychological research has described a process by which we as humans distort, delete and generalize during every wakeful moment. This is a very important function as it allows us to pick and choose from the millions of bits of information that is coming to us for the purpose of allowing us to function in a normal way.

From the very day we enter this world the process of creating our NN via deleting, distorting and generalizing incoming information begins. It expands and grows at an amazing rate and then starts to slow down as the wiring of our brain becomes more 'fixed'. As we develop we also begin to establish for ourselves, often from external sources, beliefs, awareness and perspectives based on those beliefs which also have a very intimate role to play in creating and reinforcing our NN.

As we get older and move through our lives, our NN, awareness, beliefs and perspective all intermingle to facilitate an experience of our life. Any information that we become aware, or conscious of, then goes through the filter, or NN, of deletion, distortion and generalization. And then like any net, some bits of information will be filtered through the net, others will be captured by it. Once it has been 'captured' so-to-speak, you will either take that information on or not, make it part of you perspective or not.

So how can you use this knowledge in your every day life? Well, the answer is simple. The more you can expand, make changes and adjust your NN, awareness and hence your consciousness, the richer your life experience will be. The more you will begin to experience yourself as the creator of your own reality which you determine by what you focus on. If there is an area of your life that you are currently less than pleased with, it can be helpful to just stop for a moment, consider your information NN and realise that you can change any situation in your life by developing, adjusting and augmenting your current NN.

Albert Einstein himself said that no problem can be solved with the same level of thinking that created it. What he was basically saying is that any problem you are currently experiencing is simply a result of your current NN. To change your situation and experience something new, you need to develop a new type of thinking, a new NN so you can start to notice information and opportunities you may not have noticed before.

It's important to know that it's a very gradual process. Your current NN has been developed over many years and is unlikely to change over night. But by simply becoming aware of this process of your brain, it can facilitate the establishment of new connections. As these connections get reinforced they will then become the dominate pathways that lead to an elevated consciousness and functioning.

Nick has been a student of the Law of Attraction for many years. His extensive training in Psychology, personal and spiritual development has facilitated a deep understanding of the intimate connection between science and the metaphysical via The Law of Attraction. Nick regularly teaches meditation classes as well as his Law of Attraction presentation. For more information go to http://www.theinnergeticmovement.com/ or call 0403 819 681

View the original article here

Is Your Sub-Conscious Mind Ruining Your Life?

We all have two distinct aspects of our mind - our Conscious mind and our Sub-conscious mind.

The former deals with our day to day rational/cognitive decision-making, and the reviewing and judging of the past, and planning for the future.

The latter is the more powerful and influential mind that is running our life over 90% of the time - outside of our awareness!

We know that when we dream our brain is still working hard with creating the images, themes and stories that we experience; and we would all agree that this cannot be the product of our waking cognitive and rational mind.

The difficulties we experience in life can often be associated with our sub-conscious mindset and our core belief system, which we will have had for many years. We will not have been aware of this 'hidden' belief system, or of how we might change it and make it more benevolent and supportive.

Everything we do is for a reason - the conscious mind can be unaware of it - but the subconscious mind will know it!

The Subconscious Mind
Contains ingrained beliefs from your childhood.Is 'running your life' more than 90% of the time.Is a million times more powerful than your conscious rational mind.It can sabotage your self-concept and self-esteem, your health, your relationships, your career, and your financial success.It ensures that your external life is a reflection of your internal belief system!It cannot be changed by the conscious mind and willpower.It works in literal and present time only - what is seen, heard, touched. (The conscious mind functions in past and future time frame only e.g. goal-setting and judging results; and its processing capacity is limited to only 20 seconds of time.)It monitors all bodily functions such as heart-rate, breathing, digestion, motor functions, and chemical/hormone levels.It can process thousands of events at once. Whereas the conscious mind can only process between 1 and 3 at a time.It can process 40 million bits of information per second - the conscious mind can only process 40 bits per second.

The Sub-conscious beliefs we now hold began in our childhood. The 'core' of these being laid down by the age of 6 years; when the brain was working predominantly in the Theta brainwave state.

We have encountered - or perhaps subconsciously 'set-up' - experiences that have since reinforced and expanded these beliefs until they are running our lives like an 'auto-pilot.' We also create a 'negative filter' that only allows in that which confirms the sub-conscious beliefs; and in this way they become even stronger and 'self-fulfilling'.

What we experience on the outside is then a reflection of what we believe on the inside! The beliefs and behaviours set up by our 'child-mind' seemed like the best way for us to keep ourself safe and to avoid rejection, abandonment and pain.....when we were small. However, these behaviours do not serve us well as adults and lead to dysfunctional ways of relating to ourselves and to other people.

Perhaps we became compliant and a 'people-pleaser' in order to be liked and to be allowed to stay around; and we may hide our 'real and authentic self' and only show the false-mask that we still think others want or need from us.

Maybe we have become very defensive or aggressive with others because we automatically suspect their motives. Or we may avoid getting close to others and ensure that we don't receive the intimacy that we fear, yet still need, as we try desperately to avoid the pain of rejection. Conversely we may have become needy, clingy and dependent upon the presence and attention of someone we believe we 'need' for our well-being.

Some people have difficulty in setting and maintaining healthy boundaries in their life - particularly if they have been traumatised or neglected as a child.

For many people this results in low confidence, poor self-esteem and body-image, and even self-loathing; and perhaps over-drinking/eating/working/spending etc. - to temporarily make themselves feel a little better; as they try to anaesthetise the anxiety, anger and depression they feel. They may even become addicted to the substances and behaviours they have adopted. Sadly this often results in loss of relationships, as other people cannot cope with the 'neurotic' behaviours. By neurotic I mean "as-if" behaviours.... they behave and react 'as-if' the other person meant or intended a certain thing; without ever checking out with them what is really going on. Random, unpredictable, and overly-emotional behaviours which are inappropriate to the situation also put a strain on any relationship. Manipulation and control of other people and events may be used as a misguided attempt to hide and soothe their underlying fears and sense of emptiness.

Of course, other people also have their own negative sub-conscious 'programming' and this can cause even more problems between us! We owe it to ourselves, our family, our partner, our colleagues and particularly our children; to take responsibility to clear away the harmful and painful old programming that gets in our own way in the present day.

IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE MOVIE YOU ARE STARRING IN - THEN CHANGE THE SCRIPT!

By Maxine Harley Msc Integrative Psychotherapy - Psychotherapy in West Sussex and creator of 'The Ripple Effect' Process and Quantum Psyche Process see http://www.qpp.uk.com/

View the original article here

Advantages of Being Involved in Knowledge-Based Projects for Personal Development

Learning new things on one's personal computer/laptop while also making a living is great. It is an activity that satisfies one's creativity while taking care of economic needs as well. For many successful entrepreneurs like founder of Apple Inc. Steve Jobs, wealth was something that came by itself while fulfilling one's passion of searching for new knowledge.

The beauty about new knowledge-based economy is that wealth at times is generated without being aggressive on establishing big plants and factories. For individuals, this is a great way to meet their economic needs, lead a decent life, while learning. Learning, after all, for many adults was once a dream which was possible only after retirement.

What differentiates new knowledge-based economy when it comes to human values and satisfaction is that you do not necessarily have to participate in ugly politics to make money. This is important for many who want to lead a noble life without hurting rights of others.

Today, many find in their pursuit of blogging a way to express their genuine thoughts. The difference between working as a paid journalist for a news house and citizen journalism is that a citizen journalist is not bound by instructions of others to formulate his or her writing. What comes out is from deep within instead of contents that are generated under deadline of time and compulsion of maintaining one's job.

After spending long hours doing research on a particular theme/idea, one has the feeling of getting involved in a project that is similar to be associated with higher planes of activities like attending to Church. It is a way to escape from unnecessary clutter and start a sweet dialog using means like Twitter when there is desire to communicate.

Many argue that spending long hours in front of computer screen or communicating using channels like chat/phone is making us low on humanitarian values. My feeling is that less communication is foundation of an improved personality. Meaningful communication can be only when people communicate out of a reason. Getting socialized more leads to many behavioral problems, which is so apparent in school-going kids until they learn to focus on their studies seriously by cutting down extra meetings. It is expected by many that proliferation of knowledge-based economies across the globe would lead to a more peaceful global atmosphere where citizens would be more responsible because of open access to free learning and opportunity of employing them into economic activities.

http://technocura.com/ is managed by a group of IT experts who are also trained thoroughly in customer support. Working at Technocura, I have the opportunity to interact with people for a reason. What I find is that I am in a better position to make meaningful communication also while in home or on way because of being useful to others with helpful insights acquired being involved in knowledge projects.

View the original article here

Segment Intending and Virtual Reality

I've recently come across a question about the process of Segment Intending and Virtual Reality that comes from Abraham.

The answer I have to the question pertains to the mechanics that drive the Universe. In order to understand either one of these processes it is important to comprehend first the relationship that we have between our physical selves and our environment.

Consider for a moment, the possibility that we are interconnected on a vibrational level with our surroundings. That each cell in our bodies has within them an individual consciousness and holographic representation of everything else that has and will exist. I ask you to stop and simply contemplate that for a moment or two.

You could contemplate that concept for many lifetimes and still not get the idea of the power behind it. So, for this discussion, lets just go on what feels right to you. I dare say, that if you are ready and spiritually prepared, that this does feel right to you. Weird, but right.

It is not just our thoughts that manipulate the environment, it is our faith, or better stated, our beliefs that directly affect our past, present and future. So, assuming you have a basic understanding of this point lets now discuss the processes we can use to consciously make our world bend to our choices.

Segment Intending;

A while ago Abraham taught us a process called segment intending. I consider this process a foundational technique that we should go back to as we would return to a tried-and-true family recipe.

Most motivational speakers will tell you the importance of setting goals and breaking them down into manageable segments. This is effectually what you are doing. It is supposed to be light and simple and will become second nature after a while.

As you enter into each segment throughout your day you are manifesting your intentions, even if you have not purposefully set them. By not setting deliberate intentions you are observing that which is already happening in your current reality. This is creating by default and your motivation is by random thoughts. Nothing can change without a set purpose.

Setting an intention is stating a small goal for the next few moments, or segments in your day. Such as, when you wake up; "I am going to have a wonderful and relaxed morning." or "This is an easy and relaxed morning."

This simple statement is very powerful, as it allows us to shift from one quantum reality to another. Our affirmations, made with the knowing of the simplicity of the process and the guarantee of its effectiveness gives us the faith and belief in our ability to effect changes by making these small choices daily. Our past does not create our present, and our present does not create our future, our Now is all there is at any given point. Choosing your now is effecting your entire timeline. This is how miracles happen, this is how worlds are formed. Pretty deep isn't it?

This process may seem tedious, but is most worthwhile when your current reality is not what you wanted. You may not be able to completely detox from an habitually negative way of thinking, but you can make one good choice after another.

Virtual Reality;

Ok, this is the process where you spend a few brief minutes, if your older than five, on imagining with great joy what it is that you want. When you are a child it is still very natural for you to spend hours in imagination type of play. We spend a lot of time, trying to teach our children out of this habit and into reality. What a great disservice we are doing to our youth!

Our subconscious minds do not know the difference between imagination and what we consider our physical realty. That is because the vibrations are the same and have the same universal energy signatures.

One way of considering this is as a quantum creation. Nothing can be imagined unless it is already in existence somewhere on some form of timeline. What we are doing is drawing it into our current reality through a series of frames, like a movie would be spliced together. You are choosing your reality.

However, if that is just not your cup-of-tea, there is another way of explaining it;

We have a built-in filtration system that brings to our attention the things we have instructed our subconscious is important to us. This avoids sensory overload, and is called the RAS. Look it up and see for yourself. We will see what is important for us to see, depending on what type of thoughts we entertain.

For more information about Abraham:

http://www.abraham-hicks.com/lawofattractionsource/index.php

View the original article here

Friends Before Women?

Friendship can be one of the most important and beneficial gifts that we can ever have,providing those friendships are TRUE friendships.

What do I mean by this?

A true friend, will always support you in any form of personal development that you choose. We all possess the right to evolve and we possess the right to make the decisions that will benefit us in the long term, eve if that means putting our sleeves first. Even if other can misconstrued our choices and determination to evolve and develop as selfish.

Very often after my students have made great progress in achieving their goals and becoming the more confident and essentially happier versions of their former selves, its very unfortunate that their so called friends and members of their social circles become hostile to this new and improved character, even if he is happy!

The change in their friend, is unfamiliar to them, and their friends change forces them to face their VERY OWN lack of change. This consequently can lead to a hostile response, and very often its the female friends of my students who have an issue with this new confident man, who is busier than ever, and is attracting more women than ever before.

`They will inflict statements on them such as:

"You don't have enough time for me any more"

In other words:

"I want you there to answer my calls and pick me up from parties and listen to my endless complaints and moaning about my boyfriends"

or

"You don't need all that help, just be your self and one day you will find a girl who will love you back"

In other words:

'Please carry on being Mr Nice guy, who I will never want to sleep with, and hopefully will meet someone way after I have settled down with a husband and kids'.

or

"You should take my advice, NOT an experts advice"

In other words:

"Listen to my vague and sweet advice which has got you nowhere so far"

or

"I will introduce to some really lovely girls who will think you are great!"

In other words:

"I will introduce as my 'nice' friend to girls who are also 'nice' but not sexy or amazing"

Sadly friends with, what seem to have 'well meaning' intentions can be a negative influence in your life and your personal development rather than a positive one, which they should be!

View the original article here

The Power To Influence Convincingly and Get What You Want Part I

Here's an awesome influence and communication tip that is very healthy for all interactions in relationships, business, sales or just everyday communication experiences. It helps open the door to effective communication and clarity in conversations so at least they will truly listen to understand you and what you are sharing with them!

Now, first of all, most people suck at listening, but don't even know it. In fact, I think this is going to shock you and open you up to what listening actually is. That is part II.

Now, have you ever had a conversation where the person you were talking to wasn't actually listening to or even on the same page as you? And no matter what you said, they kept trying to say you were saying B. and yet you were adamantly saying A.

Well, here's what's going! Most people try to force their beliefs or values or opinions onto others and so over time, most people by the time they are teenagers and into adulthood put an automatic I have to defend myself shield up or I am going to think 3 steps ahead of you to prove I am right. And thus the war begins! And zero Listening happens. Because if you are someone is thinking of what they are going to say next or 3 steps ahead, then they aren't listening to you at all. In fact they aren't listening at all, zero, because they can't if they are too busy thinking and planning what they are going to say!

#1 So, here's what you do!!! (It's sooooooooo Easy!!!)

All you say is, "Hey, it's totally or completely OK if you don't agree with me or believe what I am saying?" "All I ask, is that you actually listen to what I am saying, and understand what I am saying." "As long as you listen to understand what i am saying and you actually understand what I am saying, then I am totally OK if you don't agree with what I am saying or believe me." "That's totally cool." "As long as we are on the same page and you understand me, then that's all I ask!"

"If you understand what I am saying, then it's totally cool if you still don't agree with me or believe what I am saying, OK?"

First of all, they will always say, sure, absolutely. And if you pay attention and watch closely, they will totally relax and may actually grin or smile in relief. And maybe take a deep relaxing breath, because now they know you are not trying to change them or force a belief on them. And then suddenly the doorway to listening opens wide open.

You will absolutely be shocked at how powerful this simple, easy technique is. And all of a sudden your conversations will go smoothly and easily, because now they don't feel pressure and will... (Now this one is AWESOME!!!) They will actually suddenly be absolutely curious and fascinated with what you are about to say and listen quietly and intently as if something amazing is about to be revealed!

And Suddenly, you will become the Communication Master! Now if you add-on part #2, you will be the communication master!

Now, like I alluded to above many, many people have no clue what listening skills are. It's so funny when they talk about listening skills yet don't actually have a clue what that means.

Well, here is what listening skills actually are.

All you have to do is "SHUT UP!!!" hahahaha... I am serious.

Now what do I really mean?

I mean, stop thinking completely! Zero! Now, how do you do this...

#1 You realize, you don't' have to believe anything this person is saying to you. But,

#2 It is your responsibility only to listen to understand! Write that down!

Listen to Understand

So what does that mean? That means you have to:

A. Stop that Chatter upstairs in your head. Go completely blank inside and listen to receive! This makes people feel listened to and cared about. No matter how much you care for someone, if you interrupt them or are thinking 3 steps ahead, it makes them feel like you don't give a damn about what they are expressing and sharing to you. And what's more important to a person than what they are expressing? Answer: Nothing! If you don't listen to understand, you are going to be in hot water. Now this is something that most men have a huge problem with, because men are fixers and are always rushing ahead to try to fix the problem... And many times, if not almost always, she doesn't want you to fix her or her problem at all... in facts, many times, it's already fixed. She just needs a friend to understand what she is going through. If you are not listening to understand her feelings and or emotions and what she thinks and is experiencing, then you have just completely blew it big time! So:

B. Stop thinking about what you are going to say next and just simply shut up inside and go completely blank so you can actually #1 Receive what they are saying to you and #2 So you can Actually Listen to Understand.

Now for those of you, probably all of you, who need help with slowing down the chatter upstairs and quieting the mind to the point of going completely blank when you need to Received someones Communication and Expressions and "LISTEN TO UNDERSTAND" what is most nearest and dearest to their hearts, is

Meditation, Peripheral Vision and Internal Awareness!

Meditation is a practice of quieting the mind and there are tons of techniques. But, the basic premises is to get quiet and stop thinking. See how long you can go until there literally is zero chatter. Now this may take a lot of practice, but 45 minutes to 1 1/2 hours a day will be fine. Or even if you only pray for 20 minutes or so. yes, Prayer is and can be a deep form of meditation.

And, while meditating, you will catch yourself thinking and having this internal dialogue which leads to the Last step Internal Awareness. So with meditation you are already doing the 3rd step. So, when you catch yourself chattering about something inside your head, just let it go... that's right, simply let it float away.... and when something else come up, all you do is be aware of it, notice it and let it float away... simply by being aware of it and noticing... over time, this will get slower and slower and slower as you go deeply into a conscious trance, deep, deep within...

As Jesus was Famous for saying, "Look Within". And as Buddha teaches, The Divine within... Look within...

Peripheral Vision for Internal Awareness

Now Peripheral vision is when you don't narrow your focus but rather broaden it and notice what is on the periphery. If you don't know what that means, then look up that word now!!! The periphery is the outside circle of your vision. Instead of straining or trying to focus hard on a small target in front of you... let go and allow yourself to notice the bigger picture and notice what's around you...

So how you do this, is look at a point directly in front of you and then soften your gaze and allow yourself to notice the outer edges of your vision without trying. See, if you are trying to focus, that's not the way to do it. Imagine the circle or target in front of you suddenly begins to expand and expand and expand and expand until it fills up the room or is as large as the room to your left, right, front and back... now this will expand your mind and open up your mind so you can Receive what someone is saying and listen to understand. Do you know what this is called?

It's called Having an Open Mind!

Yes, this is literally how you open up your mind.

I personally find it hilarious when people talk about how open-minded they are, when they are literally totally focused, narrow vision and in their closed mind, literally. You know what I say to these people when they say or talk about how people need to be more open-minded? hahaha...

I say, "SHOW ME!!!" hahahaha... And then they will get all confused and lost and say, "SHOW YOU WHAT?" hahahahaha... Hilarious...

Don't you love it when people talk about Listening skills and How others need to be more Open minded and yet they have no clue what that actually means or how to do it? hahahaha... So just say to them, "SHOW ME!":)

And if they get more linear, focused, you know they are close minded. Oh, linear is when you narrow your vision and your pupils constrict and get smaller and also closer together like you are aiming a target. That's what we call Closed minded!

So, to finish this off, you go into Peripheral Vision and then you Go Internal into what's called Internal Awareness. What does that mean and how do you do it?

As you are in peripheral vision, you pay attention to your feelings inside your body. So you literally put your awareness internal on your chest, lungs and back and expand that to your entire gut area and then all the way down your legs into your feet, feeling your entire body.

This my friends is your radar system and will communicate massive, massive amounts of information to you about what someone's body language, tonality, tempo and rhythm are saying to you. Yes, people we massively communicate with body language as well as with the tone we use. This is Internal Awareness.

And this is what we call Listening Skills!

So, before you read this article, tell me the truth, did you have a clue what it truly means to have listening skills and know how to listen to understand someone?

I am going to guess you had no clue!

So now, don't be one of those people who talk about Listening skills and about being open-minded.

Instead, Go do it now!!! And then once you are there, ask them, "SHOW ME!!!" hahahahaha....

Have a great day everyone!

I Love you all. May your new found listening skills change your life! And give you all the social power and Influencing power you desire now don't you? hehe...

YOUR LOVE AND RELATIONSHIP COMMUNICATION AND INFLUENCE COACH

Remember, Go Read Part II

MIKE KOLLIN 415 456 8558

http://mikekollin.com/

Give me a call if you have any questions. Better yet, come to an actual training on this set of skills and watch the rest of your life massively transform into more power, more creativity and more satisfaction in every area of life, love and relationships. Oh and Business too!!! This works Powerfully and gives you the Edge in Sales and marketing!!!

View the original article here

What Quotes Mean To Me

Quotes can inspire us; change our perceptions of current events and or past events. They can encourage us to believe or tickle our funny bone. Whatever the case may be, they make us think and grow, our minds expand and we experience a new awakening within us.

People throughout history have made comments that have caused another to put pen to paper, leaving a mark on a generation that is carried into the future, passing their wisdom and encouragement to the next generation.

A long time ago I read a quote that changed my life, "Effort only fully releases its reward after a person refuses to quit" by Napoleon Hill. Wow, even while typing these words I am reminded that they made a huge impact on me so long ago and have continued to be my companion when things get rough.

People have used quotes in social media to let others know what is important to them and what inspires them, using the words of others helps those of us without our own words connect with others that think the same way. I have had many ah ha moments while reading something that clicks in my mind; I have also found a desire to pass it along to others through my own social media networks. At times one quote can go almost viral within a day, and I feel as if I myself have passed something of importance to others and I have a great sense of satisfaction to know that my connection is felt by so many others around this wonderful world.

Quotes also help us to remember the great people in history such as Walter Reuther, Ernest Thompson Seton, Brigham Young, Bob Hope, Ben Hogan, Alan Alda, Billy Graham, Phyllis Diller, Abraham Lincoln, Napoleon Hill, Charles Edwards, Robert Anton Wilson and so many more. Whether they are gone or still here we remember them, so they will always be here with us.

Quotes endure the test of time, they will be here long after we leave this life and our grandchildren and great grandchildren will read them and will be inspired to take action or change a behavior, they will last for as long as people can read, and they will remain permanent and unchanging carrying their message through time.

Words of wisdom can come from anyone, leaders of the country, leaders of the people, entertainers, politicians as well as you and me. I like golf, but I'm not very good, here are my personal quotes about golf:

1. When your head starts getting too big, play a round of golf and you'll walk away humbled.
2. When I am one with the club, the ball and the course it's magic, unfortunately I'm not a magician.
3. Stroke 1 - hit a tree, stroke 2 - hit a tree, I felt like it was Easter and I was hunting for eggs in the woods, LOL.

If you have a quote that is personal and makes you feel inspired or makes you laugh, it will inspire others or make others laugh because many people think the way you do and sharing your own take on this great thing we call life will encourage others to do the same. Pass it on, make your words count. Life is a gift and your thoughts are a gift and one more thing, never, ever, ever, ever quit.

A person who has long passed can inspire many generations of people with their personal take on life through their words of wisdom.

Golf can be played by anyone; you do not have to be a professional to enjoy this game. You can be young or old, your family can play together and I believe that's why this game attracts so many to the great outdoors.

This is a very large library of golf quotes, many people - with varying backgrounds - famous and not - have one thing in common here - and that's "GOLF"

View the original article here

Law of Attraction Tips - 4 Excellent Tips to Establish a Positive Mindset Leading You to Success

Everyone has great potential to create success. Your potential gets limited by feeding your mind with negative beliefs. If your belief system for what you are capable of achieving is weak then your potential is weak. When your potential is weak then your actions you take will be weak. To be successful you have to believe in yourself, have certainty that you will succeed and be willing to do what ever it takes.

So how do we believe and have faith in ourselves? Below you will see 4 excellent law of attraction tips to establish a positive mindset.

Tip #1: Monitor your thoughts

First watch what you think about. You want to notice the thoughts you have about achieving the success you want. The more conscious you are and really watch what you think about you will be able to notice any sabotaging thoughts.

Tip #2: Aligning your thoughts for success

Have your thoughts aligned for the success you want to create. For example when a negative thought comes to you about reaching your goal or creating your success, you want to change it. Reverse it into a positive statement. It will also help to repeat that positive statement a few times. For example if you get a negative thought about not being able to succeed you want to say I will succeed because I will do what it takes and I will give a 100 percent until I succeed.

Tip #3: Repeating positive affirmations

By now you should know the negative characteristics about yourself. Write down a negative characteristic about yourself that you will need to change in order to create your success. Focus on one at a time. Pick the most important one. Maybe you need to be more confident in yourself. So we will use confidence as an example. Create a positive affirmation about how confident you are about achieving success. Repeat this for 5 minutes a day. You also can say it when you get negative thoughts. This will help you maintain a positive mindset. You want to make sure you are always feeding your mind with positive information. In time you will notice you will automatically correct negative thoughts with positive thoughts.

Tip #4: Visualize

Visualize each night the person you want to be and having already accomplished the success you want to create. See what you would be saying,wearing and what you will be doing. Also see clearly the lifestyle you will have.

Now after you have applied the above steps, the action you take will be at its full potential. You will have faith in yourself and you will have seen in your mind the accomplishments you are capable of. So now that you believe that you will succeed the action and steps you take will be powerful and at its full potential leading you to your success. Your results will be astonishing!

My name is Sal and it is a great desire for me to apply and teach many ways of living to your full potential. For more great law of attraction tips and information simply go to http://lawofattractiontipsx.com/.

View the original article here

Working In Your Pajamas - Good Thing or Bad Thing?

Working in your pajamas certainly has an appeal to most people, it is just the thought that seems so lovely and makes most of us smile. I'm not sure if it is the not having to get up and get dressed, put any make-up on, do your hair or see anyone that just sounds like heaven to so many of us. The problem is when you do work from home and you are trying to run a business it certainly is an easy trap to fall into.

If it is a once in a while thing when you feel like crap and you stay in your pajamas for a few extra hours on a day when you would have normally called in sick to a regular 9 to 5 job that's one thing. But when it becomes part of your every day pattern it is definitely not a good thing.

When you work from home and you own your own business it is imperative that you create healthy every day rituals and creative outlets that allow you to be as productive as you possible can. These are basic keys to success so getting dressed really just seems like a no brainer, doesn't it? Somehow you just can not be as productive on a daily basis when you can be ready for a nap at a moments notice. And, for sure on days when nothing seems to be going according to your plan are you not more apt to take a nap and escape since you are already dressed for bed, then push through the pain of whatever you are working on?

The problem is when you have your business on the brain 24/7, I have to say I find myself falling into this trap myself when I start my day with a cup of coffee at my computer. I get so wrapped up and I have a tendency to lose track of time and before I know it, it is 2:00p.m., I haven't had breakfast, let alone lunch, haven't showered, my hair is in a ponytail, no make-up, look like I just rolled out of bed, because I did several hours ago and God help you if the doorbell rings, you might as well die if you are the only one home.

Some people would think this is not necessarily a problem and would be happy that you were productive for x number of hours and that would be true. However, when you actually make the time in the morning to actually take care of yourself, get showered, dressed, a little make-up, do your hair, workout and have a little food it makes a world of difference. You can actually be two sometimes three times more productive and for many more hours when you make time for yourself. Plus you never have to worry about a client real or potential one coming to the door and having to hide. I know that is not a concern for men, but for women I know you understand where I am coming from. I'm not about to open the door looking like hell, I'd rather say sorry I missed them then come across as completely unprofessional looking like a college student who has been studying for days.

So the real question to ask yourself about working in your pajamas is: Are they holding you back from being as productive as you can be because they are super comfy and you might be a wee bit lazy? Being lazy and super productive and successful don't go hand in hand no matter how many times you try to justify or spin it. So just say no to working in your pajamas. Great in theory but not great in practice.

View the original article here

Why "The Secret" And The Law Of Attraction Often Fails

Here's something to think about...

The best selling movie and book "The Secret" created a firestorm of controversy.

It became the most commercially successful New Age production in history. It was featured on Oprah, Newsweek and just about every other magazine, newspaper, website and blog.

Despite the movie and book's success, critics crawled out of the woodwork to point out some interesting facts and opinions about this phenomenon.

Such as:

* Both the movie and book purposely left out crucial information about how to apply the Law of Attraction.

* Many saw the production for what it really was. A marketing ploy to get people to buy more books, programs and seminars.

* Some referred to it as new page packaging in centuries-old snake oil.

* Others said the entire concept behind the Law of Attraction is wishful thinking that only benefits those selling these ideas.

* Still others believe the ideas promoted by the movie are downright dangerous.

* A few of the teachers in the movie (Joe Vitale, Esther Hicks and others) crafted elaborate counter-marketing campaigns as the controversy against the concepts in the movie grew.

* The blogs and forums are still ablaze with negative comments about how the Law of Attraction has not worked for many people.

Many have felt deceived and lied to.

Anyway, here's the thing...

The Law of Attraction is real. Applying it properly is the problem.

In fact, one of the biggest complaints people voice is the inability (despite their best efforts) to STOP negative thinking while trying to attract ideal circumstances.

See LOA can also work in reverse.

If you think the wrong thoughts with enough emotional fuel... then... you'll attract things you don't like. For example, let's say you have a big exam coming up and you're worried to death because you did not study. You know you'll have to cram and the prospects of studying all night while your friends are out having a good time is not making you too happy.

Well, if you continue to worry, you'll set up a situation where what you fear will appear. Because the law of attraction is fueld by your emotional state. Negative emotions are just as powerful (if not more so in some cases) than positive emotions.

That's where RELEASING -- also known as the Sedona Method, the Release Technique and the KISS Releasing System -- comes to the rescue.

(BTW... half the teachers in "The Secret" report using releasing. Hmn? Kinda makes you think. If the self-help techniques they promote work so well... then... why do they use releasing. Again I say... Hmn?)

When negative thoughts and feelings come up you can let them go (if you know how) and open your consciousness to accept the good.

Without all the usual struggle.

Without all the frustration.

Without so much fight and effort (i.e.resistance).

And then you free yourself to attract anything you want much more easily.

John Anghelache is a self-help writer who discovered the 37-minute secret to Financial Security used by half the teachers in the blockbuster movie "The Secret"! You can read more about it by visiting http://www.removeyourlimitations.com/

View the original article here

New Years Resolutions SUCK!

OK stay with me! Here's my reasoning.

Most people make their resolutions and then... they forget about them! Life moves on and before they know it, it's New Years Eve again! Maybe they think back to last year and go "oh yeah, I forgot about that resolution" which makes them depressed, because it's just one more thing that they were "gonna" do this year but didn't.

So what do they do? They make another resolution! But this year it'll be different! And the vicious cycle begins all over again!

That's why, in my opinion, New Year's Resolutions suck! They don't work, because they're just arbitrary statements, with no meat behind them. You know "I'm gonna lose weight" "I'm gonna stop smoking"

This year don't make resolutions! Set goals! Goals are achievable! Goals get accomplished. Goals can and will get done!

At the end of this I'll give you some resources to help you better define your goals as well as some additional tools to help make them happen.

But right now I want to share with you something I've been doing for the last couple of years in addition to setting goals.

It started with the goal of I want to make more money. O f course I still do, I think just about everyone has money goals, even Donald Trump. Of course his goals are "what am I going to spend my money on next?"

I sat down and I started making a list of 50 ways to make more money. Now I'm a speaker and entertainer so there were some obvious ones at first; "book more speeches, book more shows".

But I'd set my goal of 50 ways and it forced me to think outside of the box. Now I had ideas like; write another book, sell it as an eBook, record the book as an mp3.

And then I pushed even further outside of my profession; have a garage sale, sell some things I don't use on eBay, become a male stripper. OK some of those didn't work out...I didn't have a garage sale!

Now I had this list of ways to make money over the next year. I didn't have an excuse anymore. I couldn't tell myself "well I want to make more money, but I don't know how". No, I had a list of 50 ways right in front of me!

I want you to make a list of 50 ways to...whatever. Whatever your goals are this year, make a list of how to make them happen. For instance if you have a goal to lose weight; start writing out 50 ways to lose weight in 2012. Or 50 ways to increase your business or 50 ways to stop smoking.

Why 50 ways? Because if you just write out 10 ways to do something you're limiting yourself. What if you try all those 10 ways and it doesn't work? You might quit and just give up!

But with at least 50 ways, you've got a much better chance of success! Plus as you're writing these out, you'll start to run out of ideas. And if you have to get at least 50 ideas down on paper you'll start to get creative with the ideas. You'll come up with ideas that you normally would never have thought of.

For instance if your list is 50 ways to lose weight, some of them will probably be; eat less, exercise more, go on a diet. But when you push yourself to fill up the page with 50 ideas, you'll get more specific with the ideas. Instead of "exercise more" it'll be, join a gym, take a yoga class and as the page fills up and you're really stretching your imagination, some wild ideas will come out. Like maybe take Salsa dance lessons, walk my neighbor's dogs or go skydiving!

You may even come up with MORE than 50 ideas and that's great! The more options you have the better chances of success!

Now I'm going to let you in on a little secret, the secret to achieving your goals this year! This list you have of at least 50 things to do...you have to DO them!

I know, big shocker! You've got to take some action, start doing the things on your list! Most people make lists and then just put them away. Don't do that! Put your list up on the fridge, or on your bathroom mirror, someplace where you'll see it every day!

It'll serve as a reminder of what you're going to do this year. Off all the things you can do to make this goal happen!

For some more ideas and resources head on over to http://www.dosomuchmore.com/, There's a free eBook and some worksheets on how to plan out your goals and your week.

And use this idea of the 50 ways list for your goals in 2012 and I'll bet that on New Year's Eve you won't look back at all the stuff you were gonna do, but instead look back and think "wow, I did a lot this year! I can't wait for 2013!"

I'm Fred Moore and I wish you lots of success and happiness in the New Year!

Go get em!

Fred Moore is a Speaker, Entertainer, Author and Bald-Guy! His passion is providing companies and people with the resources to "get things done!". Check out http://www.moorefred.com/ to find out how you can get Unique, Professional Entertainment for Worry-Free Events.

View the original article here

Belief and Self-Esteem - The Rainbow Pavement

Too often this world can seem like a prison with no way out. Then it feels as if the days are filled with labor and night is like a lid or cover pressing down. The activities of the day pass like colors before our eyes but in night everything that is black and white in us starts to walk, preventing proper rest or release. This has a lot to do with the stress and materialistic values of our times. But there is another factor which is often over looked. The effects of stress and the struggle for worldly survival commonly include: loss of self-esteem, lack of confidence, insecurity and inferiority complex. The world contrives to inflict these things on us mainly because it does not respect basic human needs and values - its systems honor those who go out and get, those who climb on others' shoulders and push their way higher. We often think that the answer to low self-esteem and under-achievement is to gain a footing on this worldly ladder - to match or equal the go-getters in some small way. And small achievements in this way can be valuable. But what lives with the world dies with the world; what belongs to the world's systems perishes when those systems crash. Can self-esteem really be based on this?

The problem is not just one of self-belief but belief in total. The world offers very little to stimulate true belief. Do we really believe that the answer to feeling small and crushed is to enlarge yourself? This amounts to nothing more than a kind of body-building. No - if you feel belittled or disparaged in some way the answer - ultimately - is to have something to believe in. Something which is larger than yourself, which understands you intimately and which is truly worth believing in. In the end it's the moral-divine universe which fits the bill - the one which is related to every single part of our existence, which understands our feelings of smallness, of disaffectedness, of disempowerment. There is something in the colossal, divine universe which is so tender and intimate it can take you by the hand and lead you on to worthiness and value. The hand of an angel, if you like. Or, rather, something which shows you how to take yourself by the hand and lead you from the prison. But the essential feature is belief because only belief can draw us out into the grandeur of existence and make our own being sufficient or adequate. 'Body-building' is not really an alternative.

Unless you have the kindness of an environment which offers you belief - and there are many different kinds and forms of belief - then it can be hard to come by. Example is important - the example of people who deeply believe in the value of human life and its connectedness to the divine-moral world. And, in my opinion, we urgently need to rearrange the structures of our social life so that they do not crush people and rob them of their self-esteem.

Then I see a world where the gentle colors of the day continue right on into dusk; where the rainbow pavement does not disappear; where sleep and truth reveal another land to which this world is just an empty husk.

Jay Landar

Come on a journey with author and poet Jay Landar. Visit worlds of imagination, charm, romance and poetry - a rich and varied path to enlightenment in words!

Light on the Page
http://lightonthepage.com/

PageLight
http://pagelight.blogspot.com/

Looking forward to meeting you!

View the original article here