If only we knew! We can't even fully trust ourselves sometimes. Our sub-conscious mind - which is running our life over 90% of the time - can make us behave in ways that may shock and embarrass us.
We cannot tell by appearances who is to be trusted and how far; or what the exceptions to that trust might be. It can take many years to build up trust in a friendship or other relationship. Many of us have been betrayed by people we deeply believed we could trust never to let us down.
To be let-down, and deeply hurt and disappointed, can reinforce our lack of trust, and we might then extend it to mistrusting everyone. This is a defense against being hurt again, but unfortunately it cannot be guaranteed to work.
Most of us crave a deeper contact, and emotional and physical intimacy with someone 'special' to us - someone we can 'trust'. Although there are those who have given up on getting those needs met, and have instead settled for an 'entanglement' rather than a relationship. The may feel safer, and get only their basic human needs met, but they will not be truly happy.
Mistrust can be seen as means of self-protection to ensure our survival, but being generally mistrusting brings with it a likelihood of too much self-sufficiency and over-independence.
It is probably obvious that our childhood has had a big impact upon our base-line level of trust. This will have been set up before the age of 2 years - too early for us to have a verbal memory of this time.
If we experienced cold and rigid, or smothering and intrusive parenting; abandonment and/or rejection; abuse; trauma; neglect; or the chaotic behaviors of care-giver(s) due to substance abuse or mental ill-health; then our deeper personal boundaries will have been violated and we will have been powerless to change that. We would have wanted and needed to rely upon stability, predictability, and loving care, but our parents may not have been able to provide these, even if they wanted to.
The quality and availability - both physical and emotional - of our care-giver will have affected the way our brain was developing and how safe, secure and trusting we felt; as well as our ability to seek help and comfort from other people, and to attach and form healthy relationships.
We had no say in the way things were back then but as adults we do now have the power to change our 'life-script' and become more trusting of some people - but we must be discerning! It can be potentially life-threatening to put our trust in the wrong people, or in the outcome of events.
Fundamentally we want to be able to trust that those in whom we invest our time and emotions will have integrity. That they will be honest and reliable. That they will not go back on their word. That they will show us consideration and understanding, and hopefully empathy and compassion.
We should also perhaps consider whether we offer these things in return, or do we expect it to be a one-way street?
When it comes to sex and money/business then our ability to be trustworthy can be weakened; and yet it is when these issues are around that we need the most trust in ourselves and other people.
Therapeutic work may attempt to encourage us to develop a more trusting attitude and to take the risk that others won't betray, use or manipulate us - but this may be somewhat naïve. We cannot 'see' the motives or intentions of others, and yet by having a suspicious attitude that keeps people at bay we may miss out on honest genuine caring contact. We have to find the ability to discern what someone wants with us. In any interaction or relationship we all want to know 'what's in it for me?', and to be able to cope with any disappointments that another's behaviour may bring.
We are entitled to honesty and respect from others and instead of holding back, for fear of appearing intrusive and interrogatory; we need to ask clear and specific questions, in a calm and assertive way, without shying away from any deeper emotional response and disclosure that may follow.
We must take responsibility for finding out as much as we can about the inner world of the other person; or as far as their personal boundaries around self-disclosure will allow.
Finding out about someone's background, their values and ambitions; what they respect in a person, what they find unacceptable, what makes their heart sing, how angry have they been and when (they may not of course tell you the full story); can all help us to 'know' more about the other and whether we even want to place our trust in them or not.
Body language will give lots away too. Our instincts can be a valuable guide. However, beware of the seasoned salesman and con-man who will have deliberately adjusted their body language so as to trick others for their own ends. There will always be 'leaks' of the truth shown in their body language but it takes a trained eye to spot these.
Ongoing media 'news' shows us that we cannot trust in an elected Government 'system' to provide basic human needs to the sick and vulnerable. We cannot trust in the efficacy of the Health Service, or that our children will be well educated. We cannot trust the 'money-managers' in our society not to be selfish and greedy. We cannot trust what we read in the newspapers. We cannot fully trust in our Police Force and legal system. We cannot even trust that our telephone conversations, or e-mails are private!
We cannot function without a basic level of trust in the goodness and kindness of at least part of our community. We have to trust ourselves to cope with not having the degree of trust we would prefer to have. We have to trust that we will be able to cope with betrayal and disappointment, with being misled/deceived/exploited, loss of our hopes and dreams, loss of relationship and money/business. We must keep a balanced perspective, because without at least a basic level of trust and optimism the world would be a very threatening place for any of us.
By Maxine Harley Msc Integrative Psychotherapy - Psychotherapy in Sussex and creator of 'The Ripple Effect' Process and Quantum Psyche Process see http://www.qpp.uk.com/
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